THE CHURCH OF MY DREAM

This writer is the second of three children, Sunday mornings and Tuesday evenings with the occasional Friday all nighters, these were church days, I am African, Nigerian so of-courseo there was nothing democratic about my childhood; it was a military Regime. Human rights or should I say children rights? Children with rights in Africa? Stop playing. So ever since I gained consciousness I just knew I had to go church. Till this moment, I still attend church, not the one my parents used to take us, but a church all the same.  Bear with me, this isn’t a religious write up, I promise you would laugh at the end of this story, well if you have a sense of humour you would.  Had to give this background information because today’s event took place in the church, the one of my dreams.

On one of them church days, I had whipped out one of my senator materials and headed to church, can’t really remember the journey to church in this moment, but I was in church. I remember walking past rows with no restriction in my attempt to find a suitable seat. Should have noticed that the ushers in my dream church were too accepting of my will, Nigerian ushers or should I be more specific and say Nigerian church ushers are particular about forcing you to seat where they want you to and not where you want to, church of my dreams for a reason. So I proceed on my journey to secure that seat, I catch a couple of female glances in my direction, I must look really good today, or maybe its my cologne they are loving, I cant remember using any cologne, but of course I don’t care, female attention is welcome over here, baby girl feast your eyes on this black boy. “the darker the berry the juice” and now they were thirsting for some juice. Again, thirsty pretty females in church? Church of my dream for a reason.

So when I got to my seat, I realized my phone was playing some music, thankfully it was Christian music, and then it clicked that maybe the music was the source of all the previous attention, them girls really didn’t want me, so sad, lol. With time those looks got sterner, brethren I was really trying to pause the music to no avail. I was in a panic at this point, I mean I know I use a smartphone but it’s my phone its will shouldn’t supersede mine. the woman to my right had gone past giving stern looks at this point, she was voicing her discontent: had to show her what I was doing, how I was struggling to put off the music, but the music refused to be put off. why was the music that loud? It was incredibly loud, my phone usually isn’t this loud. Next thing I know an overly zealous usher ‘’burning with fire for God’’ was trying to wrestle my phone out of my hands,  we had initially had a mini tug of war and then I realized it’s to my benefit that she holds on to the blaring phone, at least the attention would be on her now, so I let the phone go. The noise continued, she wasn’t able to stop this rabid music player, she brought it back after a while. I tried to switch said phone off, it refused to go off, this phone and Christian music were the weapon the devil had fashioned against me, lol. At this point my neighbour was pitying me, and all the self worth I had arrogated to myself on the journey to my seat were things of the past, I have had enough,  just as I stood up to leave church as I was about to die by attention overdose, I woke. I was sleeping in an hotel in Garki, Abuja with my phone playing Christian music. I was trying to pause my spiritual phone when my earthly phone was the one making all the noise. What? I didn’t lie, it all happened in my dream.