I ate chicken shit and liked it: A story of deception

So, I would like to start this with an apology. I really did the worst thing to a meal I consider so good it’s almost sacred.

I hadn’t seen Eniola for about a year after Uni. She was my roommate for like 3 years and we did everything together. We were basically each other’s shadows. The one year after school had taken its toll on our relationship so we had a lot of catching up to do.

In 2022, I was living in Osogbo. One afternoon in December, I got a call from her that she was moving to Ilesha from Abuja where she had been since we had left school.

A little background about me and her is I am a lazy foodie, but Eniola has always had this ability to go the extra mile to cook the most delicious meals. Nothing was beyond her. She would go on YouTube to check recipes and I would often drop most of the money and some moral support to encourage her cooking ministry. LMAO.

Understandably, this kind of arrangement would not work for all roommates and there were a few times I had to pull my weight too.

Anyway, fast forward to January 2023, I was finally ready to pay her a visit. Things were already getting economically uncomfortable then (Shout out to Boo Harry for that).

The day started out fabulous. I was in the best spirits possible. I called my girl that I was on my way and you should have heard both of us squealing on the phone. We were both so excited.

I got to Ilesha and wouldn’t you know it? This sweet angel of a human came to pick me from the car park!!! One of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for me!

We took a bike to her place near Fagbemiro. This babe already had yam on fire. She said she was hoping to surprise me with the pounded yam. We started talking, she updated me about stuff going on in her life and I was listening. I had missed her so much.

Like 5 minutes later, we went to her backyard to pound yam. Her neighbours had local chickens that were playing around too, you know real suburban living style.

Dear reader, you already know I would never lie to you. I am one lazy woman. It had been years since I had held a pestle for any reason. Then luckily, my sister called me and I had to leave the noise to talk to her. By the time I was done with my call, she was back inside and a steaming plate of pounded yam with obe egusi ijebu was ready for me.

Guyyy, the aroma nearly knocked me off my feet. My foodie clit got turgid instantly. Anyway, I asked her to join me but she was like nah, she ate spag before I came. Like a well trained Yoruba babe, I pretended to be unhappy that we weren’t eating together. But inside me, I was thinking “Ope o! More for me”

I happily balanced and ate the food heartily. After, I packed the plates and went to the kitchen to do the dishes. She was putting back the stool so I went to the backyard where the water “drum” was to get some water for washing… then something unfortunate caught my eye at the edge of the yet to be washed mortar.

There was chicken poop. Yellow and white. Watery. This is undoubtedly chicken poop.

I looked closer and it was clear that it had dripped into the pounded yam and there was a swatch mark where the pounded yam was packed with it.

I can NOT explain how much revulsion I felt.

“Eniola…” my voice came out a lot calmer than I was feeling. She came and I was like “Babe, did you see this?” and she went, “Omo, sorry babe. I didn’t think you would see it”

Bruuuuh!!! I was losing my shit at this point! FYM you didn’t think I would see it?

Wait, is this why this heifer wouldn’t have a morsel of the food she served me?

I asked “would you have eaten it?” and she said “eew wtf?”

Well now I wonder how many abominations I ate for those 3 years in uni when she was cooking for me.

Maybe we will be able to stay friends, although I really doubt. But I obviously will never eat something she made EVER AGAIN.

PLEASE PAUSE. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND CALM DOWN.

This didn’t exactly happen. It is simply the only way I can “artistically” express what cheating is and was like to me. My ex, Joseph cheated on me and then tried to apologize when I found out.

How could he think I would be comfortable taking love with a side of disrespect? I had so many questions I never bothered to ask. But the only truth that mattered was; he saw me, he “loved me” in his own twisted way, but decided that cleaning that little chicken shit off the mortar was too much of an effort to make to keep my food sanitary.

Obviously, the whole 3 years, 3 months and 4 days we were a couple is twisted. Did other people see me eating the shit unknowingly and pity me? Did they think “If only we could tell her”.

Anyway, this is my take on infidelity. It has never been a small thing to me. And if I must cook my own meals forever to avoid eating chicken shit because of someone else’s carelessness, then so be it.

It may not have to come to that. But I’m definitely okay with it.