Flushed My Phone In The Sink Under The Influence of Michael Jackson

You guyyyys!!! So my best friend (let’s call him John) was visiting Nigeria in February and me, him and our other friend (Jerry) were going to spend about 3 days together in Abuja.

Jerry lives in Abuja and John and I were going to go from the southwest to meet him. They paid for my flight (because I’m poor and still spoilt if you believe it). Anywaaay, I booked mine and John’s flight from Abuja o, but an airline which I am not going to mention (It was GreenAfrica) messed up our plans. We had to reroute through Lagos so that we don’t lose 2 whole days of our accommodation fee. (Odin will judge you ooo GreenAfrica) We still lost one full day though and that sucked because John had other engagements he couldn’t skip right after.

Bit of background…I make amazing confectioneries using Michael Jackson.

So John and I took a train to Lagos from Ibadan after eating the yummiest amala and abula at Ola Mummy Oju Irin. Yes that was an unpaid ad; the food is just THAT good. Right after lunch, John and I both had an MJ infused cookie for the road. Then we called the ride that took us to the train station.

There was hardly a moment of silence during that ride because I’m a chatterbox that has missed her friend. The trip was uneventful and we arrived at the train station.

Now this is where things got colorful. I was getting waved and so was John. He was just hyper and bouncing on the balls of his feet. But I was on a different level. Everything was interesting to me. Colours were way brighter and sounds were louder. I really should invest in darker shades. Now things got weird. We were waiting for network to come because apparently, we had to get tickets on our phones and then they would validate it for us. Frankly, this is leading me to a conversation about how we are expected to rely too heavily on our phones for a society that is still so analog. I mean, why duplicate the efforts to get a ticket ffs!

Moving on, because Nigerian government and their parastatals will not block this gist. I started feeling wet; and not the way I liked. I felt like I peed while standing. Mind you, it’s like 50leven people standing around in one hall, aggressively refreshing their phones and turning flight mode on and off. Here I was whispering (God I really hope they came out as whispers) “John, did I pee? Do my pants look wet?”

I kept looking down at my pants. It was the most uncomfortable time of my life. Eventually, John got us the tickets and we boarded the train shortly after. When the train started moving, I realized that I would have felt a lot safer and more comfortable if my seat had a seatbelt. Nigerian railway commission please look into this. I’m confident old people will feel a lot shakier than I felt when on that ride. Eventually we made it to Lagos, lodged in a hotel (no be me still pay 🙈) I had a whole medium sized pizza and slept. Yes, this wide back is not from playing American football.

Fast-forward to the next morning where our flight was for like 7 am or thereabout. We ate more cookies and it kicked in only when we were on the plane.

Like 15 minutes in, I had to go number 2. It was my first time doing that on a plane mind you, so I didn’t have anything to compare it with. But lord that space was tinyyyy. My phone was with me all the while. It took me a long time to complete my business and I think the hostess at the door was worried cos she tapped the door and I think she said someone else wanted to use it. (she called it lavatory which I found hilarious for no reason. Of course I dropped my phone to clean up and the seat was REALLY low. It was uncomfortable and I think that is by design. But I did not really care. I had to get clean and I did.

I pulled up my pants after washing my hands and opened the “lavatory” door.

An older gentleman stood up immediately and headed there.

I got to my seat beside John and sighed. I was like “yooo, I feel so much lighter” and he was like “noooiceee”. Then I wanted to check something on my phone and could not find it. I straight up went into panic mode.

“John, I can’t find my phone”

“Have you checked your pockets?”

“I just did”

Then I realized that I went to the “lavatory” a few minutes ago and when I tell you I felt my heart through my chest.

John goes “go to the toilet. Maybe you left it there”

I did a slow walk of shame all the way to the “lavatory” and asked the hostess. She said there was nothing in there but I could check. I don’t think there was more than 3×4 ft of space to even check so I was done pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, I had flushed my phone. That was the only plausible explanation. While mourning my phone, I was also thinking about the stories I could tell. Do you know any other adult that flushed their phone in a plane???

Happy to tell you that neither do you. My phone was in my pants, just not my pocket…nahhh that would be too casual for Dammy. It was by my calf bruh. I did not feel it for over 20 minutes (it felt more like an hour tbh) and when I finally did and told John, we cackled like demented hyenas.

One of the most interesting flights of my life. I’m happy that happened. Really got my blood flowing better than any HIIT session could.

How I could have died: Well if I had peed at the train station for real and gone viral as the girl that abused “drugs” and my people saw it, I’m afraid I would have had to commit seppuku– but only after hanging out with my best buds of course. Y’all, leave Michael Jackson alone. Very bad for you.